Wow. It has been a long time. And apparently I used to be a very angry, depressive, crazy person. Oh well... things have definitely changed since then.

I don't know what got me thinking about xanga, but I thought I might as well update, for who knows why...

So... Tucker is now almost 3- he's getting to be such an old man. He still has his moments, but he has grown up sooo much in the past year even. Most people who knew him as a puppy would never even recognize him. He's grown up into a big cuddly sweetheart, who rarely pees on anyone anymore :)

We have a new dog also. Honestly, there's no bond yet, but I'm working on it. He's a doberman, and clumsy and neurotic. And he kind of looks like a rat... or a squirrel. But he's a decent pup.

I hate my job... what's new.

Finances are really tough right now... like unable to pay rent kind of tough. But we're working on it.

I graduated! I now have my Associate's Paralegal degree. Now I just have to find a job... ugh.

Probably the most exciting, and new thing.... I'm engaged! It's pretty fantastic. He's incredible. We're planning for next September. And the planning process is already driving me nuts.

Overall, minus wanting to jump off a bridge every time I go to work and having no money, I'm really happy. Which is good... I wasn't like that very often last year, or any year before that really. So yea.. things are coming around. :)

I figure since no one reads this anymore, I might as well get everything that's been on my chest lately. So here goes...

I believe that there are different kinds of love. You know, there's the kind of love you feel for parents, and family.. that close-knit, protective kind of love. There's the kind you feel with your friends, that companionship, that understanding of each other. There's romantic love.. that you feel for a partner, that being one, intertwined with the help of fate.. and yes I also include sexual feelings in this. There's that partnership kind of love... that you belong with this person, the kind of love that just comes natural and will never fade with time. Different kinds of love are meant for different kinds of relationships. And I believe true love, the real love that you not only feel, but also live, is a mixture of these... it's the protective love, the companion love, the romantic love, and the partner love.. all rolled into one, and I believe that it's very hard to find. People usually settle for one of them and forget about the others, feeling it's unimportant, but it is. I don't believe you can live happily with one person for your entire life without having all of these loves combined.
I also believe that when you're in a relationship, there are different ways you can love a person. I believe that what I felt for the ex was the kind that fades with time; it's there, but not strong enough to last a life time. I loved him in a protective, romantic, and companion way... but there was no partnership there. And this is why I feel I can get over him.. eventually. It's a long, hard road but I'll get there, and I can feel it slowly slipping away, but it's definitely still there. Mostly because of what I invested into him. And also because I was so hurt by the ending of the relationship. For some (stupid) reason, it seems that the ones who hurt us are the hardest to forget, when they are the ones we need to forget the most.
Anyway, I've been reading a lot lately, and it seems that the more I read (and these are often novels based on a love story), the more I think of Him (and no I'm not talking about God; it's in caps because there should be a name there, and only those who know me well enough need to know who it is). My mind always wanders back to him. Lately, I've also been trying to be truly single again, pushing past all past feelings and past relationships, and available to take on a new one.. because eventually I need to get out there again. For some reason, I am so terrified of starting a new relationship, and I just have this very thick wall up around my heart. And I've been trying to sort things out, and I'm beginning to wonder the real reason I have this blockade up. Is it because I don't trust men, or that I don't trust myself? Is it because I don't want to deal with the strain of a relationship in general? Is it because I haven't found a guy worth dating again? What is it that has stopped me from seeing anyone in that light?
I have a feeling it's a mix of many things. Yes, I find it hard to trust both men and myself. Yes, the past couple years have been awful overall, so I don't want to go through any of it again soon. And no, I have in fact met some guys who are worth dating. There's definitely more than what's on the surface. And I believe it comes back to Him. When people ask if I've ever experienced true love, my mind flashes to Him. We had it all, everything. I don't regret giving it up, because I know I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to end this chapter of my life and start a new one. I wasn't ready to give up that piece of myself that enjoys being single and free to do as I please. And maybe that's selfish, but we rushed too fast and I couldn't handle it. I don't think it would have gone well if I carried on the way it was. So I ended it. Well, I moreso ran away, sprinted in fact, to the closest place I could find refuge.. which happened to be the ex. And I did love the ex, just not in a way that could last a lifetime.
And yet I sit and ponder. I did make the right choice for that moment in time... but what about the future? I think part of me isn't ready to start a new relationship because I'm still connected to Him. He was everything, and I ruined it, but I didn't actually want it to leave. Every girl has a vision of her wedding day, and when you're dating a person, you try to put their face in the person at the end of the aisle. He was only one that fit. That was a love that I don't think will ever fade out. And who knows what will happen down the road, but part of me still hangs on to Him. I still see His face in that person. It's fuzzy, but it's there. When I think of how we don't see each other or even talk anymore, when I think of how things used to be, and how they could have been in the future... I choke up. I can feel my heart speed up and my throat contract and my palms get clammy and the hair on the back of my neck raise. I can still remember how his lips felt on mine, and how natural it felt to lay with him and cuddle, and how right it felt when I was at his parent's house. I don't see any of that going away soon, if ever. I remember when we first kissed. We had always been best friends but never did I think we'd end up where we did. He was shaking and my heart was beating so fast, but when our lips met, everything in the world stopped. I can't keep thinking about it or I'll get teary eyed thinking how I might never feel that again... or maybe I don't want to feel that again with anyone.
Anyway, I need to stop rambling. Not that anyone has read this far, but if you have, I apologize. My point is... that I still love Him, and probably always will. Maybe it was bad timing, maybe it was... I don't know. I wasn't ready then, and I'm still not ready now, but I know what happened between us will never leave me completely. I'm not sure if that's what's holding me back from opening myself back up for relationships, or if it's other more transparent reasons. It's probably both. I just needed to get this all off my chest without actually talking to someone about it, because I feel whoever I'd tell would just look at me like I'm an idiot. I never really wanted to admit any of this, but the closer I get to any other guy, the more my insides scream at me and I just have to face it.

By the way... you know I am a very open and honest person with everyone.. but I really do hate being honest with myself...

It appears that the day I've been putting off has finally appeared. I've done a lot of crying already today, but I think it's time to just vent it all out and try to cope with this the best I can.
I took Tucker to the vet today because he's been having many accidents lately, moreso leaking/dribbling kind of accidents. I thought maybe he just had a bladder infection or something. So I got a urine sample this morning (weirdest thing we've ever done so far haha) and took him in to have him checked out. $280 later, I find out that his urine is perfectly normal (like actually perfect), the xray showed no signs of anything wrong in his bladder, and everything appears to be just fine from the outside. But she agreed there's definitely something wrong, because as he was laying there, he dribbled for no reason, so she got to see what I'm having troubles with. So turns out that all this time, what we thought was just excited peeing... well he actually has some underlying medical condition. And it appears to be getting worse, since he can't hardly control the piddling at all anymore. So the vet recommends I take Tuck to the referral center because they have the high-tech equipment to actually figure out what's wrong. Problem is though, it's going to be incredibly expensive to diagnose it. And once we know what it is, who knows what it's going to take to treat it, might have to have surgery. So.... I definitely cannot afford it, right? And I also can't allow it to get worse and let him just pee all over the place. So what do I do? It looks like it has finally come down to me having to give up Tucker... which... well I just hate this. Tuck and I have been through so much already and I was so hoping we were past all this crap. But this one, I just can't do it. I have no more money left. So I'm going to at least see the doc at the referral center to see what he says he thinks it may be. I'd at least like to know what I'd be up against. But I'm assuming it will most likely be something that will ultimately make me choose the path I never wanted to take. So anyway... I'll be a little depressed for a while. He's my baby.... I don't want to lose him.